Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Who is Krista and Why the Bitch txtin you at 3am?

I was always told that if you look you will find.  So I took it upon myself to never look. Nope, I don't go through fb messages, phones, etc. I simply won't do it. It just shows a lack of trust and makes you paranoid.  I never understood why girls did it nor why some guys put up with it. I have a friend that's always complaining about his girl going through his phone.  Well, why you putting up with it.  We all don't do that shit.  Just like there are good men out there, there are also good women.  I find that shit unacceptable.  I don't have time to be chasing after you trying to figure out your every move. I could be doing something productive.

But why are these the girls that are usually in a relationship?  The guys always complaining about it, but they steady finding hoes that do it.  I won't say that I won't act a fool, because I will.  I have bounty hunted a guy I was talking to because he didn't keep it hid well.  It came to me without me looking for it.  And I showed my ass. Girls, why are you doing this? If you don't trust him, why are you with him?  Is it because you don't want him to be with anyone else.  Even if he's not doing anything wrong, by looking in his phone, you are going to find something that you don't like.

Another question. When you find some dirt, why are you getting mad at the other person and not your boo?  Um, I didn't text him, he texted me.  If your boo is doing right, they will put that person trying to come on to them in there place. Stop trying to attack the other person, they could care less if they with you. Trust me, been there; done that.

Why are you so paranoid?  What are you doing to make you think they are doing something wrong. Guilty much??? 

How in the hell did you get my password?  What dumb ass fool gave you his password?  That's stupid you may not have anything to hide, but it ain't no telling how long you all will be together.  They could fuck your life up getting into your account.  And what kind of time do you bitches have that's hacking into shit? I you gone hack into someone's account, I hope you are trying to find a reason to break up with them.

For the ones doing the dirt, you don't know how to cover up your shit better than that. Delete, delete, delete! You know if you are with someone crazy or not. Don't give them anything to get mad over. So you gone really leave these naked pics in your phone?

I wish a nigga would go through my phone! Yes, we will be done. I may have done a little cyber stalking, but I'm not going to go through your private property to find dirt on you. I expect the same amount of respect from you. I'm personally not about to put up with that shit. And if you try it, there's the door.  Y'all put up with it if you want to, I know some one who won't. 

You Ain't Satisfying Me

We have all had a bad sexual encounter or at least one that is not up to standards in our view.  I know it's true because we tweet about bad sex all the time. We tweet about it, hoping that the other person sees it and realizes it's about them.  Can you really tell a person that their sex game is whack without hurting their feelings? I want to know.  There are a few ways that you may be able to identify if your sex game is whack by the other person's actions. I'm going to take the time to point it out:

1.  You see the person all the time, but you only hit once.
This person wasn't pleased with what you had to give and went back to where they know they will get their moneys worth.  We always got a person that we are happy to back track with if someone let's us down.

2. That person was clingy, but after you hit you get on her nerves.
Now, you done fucked up.  She had accepted the rest of your flaws, but it's simply too much to deal with along with bad sex.  She use to come to your house, but now she has every excuse why she can't. It's because she doesn't want to be put in the position where you gone want some. You two haven't been together long enough for her to love you, so yeah, you bout to get dumped.

3. "I think we're moving too fast."
Either this person realized that they don't want a relationship or she feels like she wasted a fuck on you. Yes, wasted a fuck. Girls get mad about bad sex because we don't like our numbers going up for no reason.  And if it's bad enough we will psych ourselves out like it didn't happen and not count it.

4. When you come in the room, her friends laugh at you.
Yes, we are quick to tell our friends about the bad before the good. We want to spread the word before you sucker someone else into that non pleasurable experience.

5. You can't get her to do freaky stuff.
Either she's a lame and boring or she simply don't want to pull out her tricks for someone who's not hitting it right.  Why please you when, you're not doing the same.

6. She ain't moaning. 
This should be the most obvious.  Unless you are somewhere you can't make noise no sounds=bad.  This is her way of trying to tell you without hurting your feelings.  A lot of you dumb asses still don't get it when it happens.  Her face gone look like -____- afterward.

There are some exceptions to the rules.  One guy I had been talking to for quite awhile before I did anything sexual with him was horrible. I thought I'd give him another chance maybe the chemistry was off....#fail.  Nope.  Still same ole whack encounter.  I quickly stopped coming around.  I wanted to tell him, but didn't want to piss him off.  I made up some bullshit reason about wanting more than what he did and not wanting to get hurt.  I'm pretty sure he knows it was bad. He was 45 min away and wasn't getting it from anyone else.  You can't tell me he didn't suspect something was wrong.  Several months later I did him the favor by doing it again.  This time knowing I wasn't going to get anything out of it.  I felt bad for cutting him off like that and I knew he wasn't getting any.  this fool was two hours away and still trying to get me 8 months after our last encounter.  I kept waiting for his ass to say something rude or just ask how it was so I could tell it to him straight.  Never happened. Pretty sure because he knew.  So I put it on him. He left happy.  See I was trying not to be selfish and help him out. I should have helped him out by telling his ass.

But what I want to know is:  Can you really tell someone their sex is bad without offending them and how do you go about doing it? I simply wish there were price tags on people that said: "Bad credit" "Lil Dick"  "Erectile Dysfunction"  "Minute Man" "Body Order"  because a lot of times it's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

Pussy Ain't Free!

We are all aware that prostitution is illegal in most places, but we may be all guilty, in some way, of prostitution.  Disagree? Let me explain.  Have you ever heard a girl say, "I'm gone make him work for this." Yeah, right there, he has to pay for the cookie.  Some girls, like items in a store, are a bit more expensive then others. Just like hoes who fuck for $20 tricks and others that fuck for the thousands.  Even a simple thing of paying for gas to get to you to give it up is an expense.  Girls want to see how much they "mean" (how long you gone stick around before you go find an easier job) to you.

Now, most guys are aware that they have to put in a little work to save up for that prize they want, but some of you get conned out of your money.  You trick off all this stuff and the girl won't give you any and never will.  This is because girls know who they would and wouldn't give it to the first time they see the person.  Girls can choose to bust it open or make you wait because they want to keep you around a little while.  Girls, will make you work for the cookie, but guys will make you work for a relationship.  The problem is with the opposite sex is that we never know exactly what the other one wants.  We both are guilty of telling each other what they want to here to get what we want.  Girls aren't innocent in this so stop acting like it.  Girls will make you think you gone get some just like men will make you think you're getting a relationship.  It's just easier to put it all on the table.

Girls will even go to the extent to ask one of their friends, "Is he a trick?"  Sometimes we simply are not interested.  I'm sure guys have asked each other, "How was she?"  Girls will trick off too. Especially if we really like some one.  It's like we're trying to buy someone  like how we make guys buy cookies.  But, you can't buy someone's love. It's not a physical object.  Guys know when they have found a girl who will do anything for them and some of them will take advantage just like girls who will let a guy trick off. Ain't neither one of us shit.  We're both of guilty of doing some thing underhanded at least once. 

Why is it so hard for men and women to be honest with each other, open our damn mouths, and say what it is we really want?  Even if one party says that they want something else, many times the other party will settle and go along with this.  I have been guilty of this too.  Just settling to keep the sex and company around.  Hell, I've even settled and put up with someone's shit while I let another guy pay his debt.  Yes, the person paying don't get any and the other person eating for free.  It's kinda like stealing someone's credit card.  And I didn't care as long as I was getting paid for my services one way or another. No, it ain't right, but it happens all the time.  Just make sure if you are putting a lot into something it is worth your time and you're not being the fool.

Monday, June 27, 2011

You Can Fight A Person, But You Can't Fight A Bottle

I've seen the long term effects of alcohol on a person first hand. My adopted father (was not in my home, but I have his last name) battled alcoholism from his return from the Vietnam War til the end of his life in 2006.  I did not always understand his situation and did not realize that alcoholism was a disease.  He was the town drunk. I mean everyone knew him as Drunk James.  I can count the times I've seen him sober as a child.  For the longest, I despised him. I, being adopted, felt a void because the man I had as a father was always drunk and I had no personal relationship with him.  My mother, though they had been divorced since the 70s, never said anything bad about him.  She just made it known that he had a problem.  My dad had a heart attack in 2004 which caused him to stop drinking well slow down on it.  During this time we built a relationship.  In the course of this \, I found out my dad was a very intelligent man, he just had inner issues he did not know how to deal with.  My dad was was Valedictorian in high school, had 3 purple hearts and a silver star, and was a green beret in Vietnam.  When he returned home from the war, he came back with many issues.  his use of alcohol was a way of dealing with these things since he did not seek psychiatric help afterward.  Our days together consisted of watching Jeopardy in which he would answer EVERY question.  Even though I was his adopted daughter I felt like I had the closet relationship with him out of my siblings.  I needed a father in my life and my siblings being significantly older than myself had already had  enough.  My mother was happy that me and my father had gained this relationship.  She told me that she was happy I got to know the real him and that Vietnam had changed him a lot.  My mother told me that she never wanted to leave him, but the drinking had become too much.  She stated "You can fight a person, but you can't fight a bottle."  She told me that he had too much pride to get help and that the military at that time was not taking care of it's black Veterans very much.  He had simply been self medicating himself for the past 40 years.

Drinking in the excess he did had done tremendous harm to his body and organs.  He began to deteriorate.  My dad had gotten so sick that he could not leave the house.  He missed my graduation and the pageant I was in.  I, knowing his sickness, did not hold it against him.  A couple weeks after my pageant, while I was a freshman in college, my father was hospitalized.  The veterans hospital that he was in was 20 min away from my university, so I went to visit him.  I remember this day clearly because it was the last time I would see him.  it was pouring down raining and I remember being so determined to get to the hospital.  When I got to his room he was in so much pain.  It hurt me so much to see him like that.  He moaned and groaned the whole time.  I could not do anything to help him and it hurt.  I couldn't even stay long because I couldn't bear to see in that much pain.  I remember crying on the way home.  A few days later, remember not being able to sleep.  My dad was out of the hospital and it had been set up that he receive Hospice.  I laid awake in my dorm room and all I could think about was him.  I sent up a prayer to the Lord asking him to take it in his hands and do what was best.  I let go and let God.

The following morning, my mother called me to let me know that he had passed.  She said that he had died shortly after 12:30am.  Which was about the time I prayed and let go.  I was sad, but also relieved.  I knew that he had been suffering for along time and now he was out of his misery.  I cried for a short period of time, but did not allow it to consume me.  I finished the work I needed to do before going home for his funeral and we laid him to rest later that week.

I tell this story because I often hear many individuals criticize their parents for having a drug or alcohol problem.  We need to realize that this is a disease.  Many people do not know how to deal with life's struggles and events.  When there is an individual with a substance abuse problem, you have to reach out to them.  They do not know how to reach out to you.  This disease can change a person from the loved one you once knew and that may be hard for people to understand.  the best thing we can do is try to get this person to seek help and not support the habit.  I often watch Intervention and wonder how my father would be and if he would still be here if he had those resources back then.  But then, I feel that I would not be able to share my story to help someone who may be dealing with the same kind of problem.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Get Thick Or Die Tryin

After Free's Ass made the top trending topic, I found myself almost going back to a place I try to stay out of. I have battled with self esteem issues most of my life and have to remind myself how beautiful I am every now and then. In high school, I was 95 lbs. It was not an intentional thing, all genes. I thought I was ugly because I did not get the attention other girls got from guys and wasn't in a relationship. I knew I was an intelligent and kind person but didn't feel people saw that. I thought that a shape is what the opposite sex cared about. In all honesty, I started having sex because I thought it would help me gain weight. Not, weight comes with age and time not sex.  My mom told me that I was worrying about the wrong thing and that I didn't want to "blow up."  she would often say, "Alright, you asking for all that and you're gonna blow up like your cousin. Be happy with what you have."

When I got to college my self esteem got better because I was not always being criticized for being skinny.  Occasionally, someone would make comments about me being small, but not the extent to asking did I eat or if I was bulimic.  I still was on this quest to get my weight up.  this is when I came up with my motto "Get thick Or Die Tryin."  This often brought comical relief to my struggle and others found it amusing, but I was dead serious. I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis in 2008  and had to be put on steroids.  Then came the weight and in all the wrong places.  My face got huge and I had spare tires. I gained about 35 lbs.  Be careful what you wish for.  This did stay long as soon as I was off the meds, my face got back normal and some of the weight left too.

It's been 5 yrs since I've graduated from high school and I finally see the light. All of those thick girls are fat now and I've gained weight. maybe because they have 3 to 4 kids and I'm winning with 0. But why am I still on a journey to get thick? There's plenty of men who appreciate the woman I am. Many girls battle with self esteem and most of the time it's because of what others have said. That's why we as women and men need to remind ourselves of the person we are and not what others see. This is hard because of pop culture and society which is unhealthy for today's youth growing up.  I use to get depressed watching music videos because all I saw ans heard was ass and tittles.  What I had to learn is that I want love and not sexual attention.  I asked myself is my want for a coke bottle shape saying that I want some sex?  Because I get enough for that.  It may be nice to grab and smack during sex, but what would it look like in another 20 to 30 years.  Now, don't get me wrong I'm not hating on thick women nor am I saying that I would not be overjoyed if I woke up with a Nicki Minaj ass.  I'm just saying that I need to be happy with what God gave me.  I'm a beautiful girl and look better than most women with the Coke bottle shape.  Yeah, I said it.   I'm going to try my best to stay true to myself and my body and not worry about what others say.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Real Father

I remember the first time I saw my biological dad, well, his pic on myspace. I was adopted at birth and my father never knew I existed. My birth mother, whom I met in 2007, had lost contact w/ him and had trouble locating him. In 2008, I randomly searched his name on myspace. I don't know why his pic out of everyone else with his name stood out. Without thinking, I sent him a message asking the few things I knew about him: "Did you go to Whitney Young and Bradley, have a brother named Lemar, and are you 6'4?" Then, I sent his pic to my mother. Yeah, backwards. She confirmed it was him. I left out the part that I had sent him a message. She and my mother decided that she should tell him, but they took too long. I took things into my own hands after he messages back. He wanted to know why I asked all this. I freaked out. I finally responded, told him a little about me, and asked did he know my mother. He said yes. We had small talk and he was eager to know why I asked all these questions. So I told him everything from my mothers pregnancy to my life growing up. He took it better than I had thought. I expected an episode from Maury. He apologized for not knowing and had a bunch of questions. Since he lived in the Dominican Republic, we communicated thru email. We finally met in January of 2009. Most men would not have stepped up like he has. It is never too late to form a relationship with your parents.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Smashed A Homie

I had this dip once. I mean we were very nasty freaky freaks. Did a lot and I'll keep that to myself for now. We were never a couple, just friends with benefits. What ponders me is a couple of his friends want me to be their girlfriend. Yes, not hit but cuff. They are both well aware that I was once their friend's "Lil Freak." I can't find myself to date the homie. We females have this unwritten rule of not dating or hunching our friends' old flames. Guys do not always have this. Maybe these guys don't care because me and the friend were never an item. But knowing the things we have done, I cannot find myself to start a relationship with one of them. I would never want to be with someone where one of his home boys could say, "I *insert nasty event* with your girl." That would embarrass me. Okay, yeah there is one exception, but it's a future blog. I normally keep these people separate. Some guys you can just form an agreement with others you can't. Is it wrong for females to "mark their territory" when it comes to guys they have sexed? My whole point is: Is there a boundary for smashing a homie or is it situational or a gender difference?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Younger Men

I'm 23, out of college, and living on my own. You would think I'd want a man that was established. I've found myself with a younger man a few times. Don't knock it til you've tried it. Younger men have stamina and bring out the youth in you. I'm young myself, but tend to act like I'm in my 30s. When I say younger, I mean ages 19-21. No, I'm not robbing the cradle nor on some R. Kelly type shit. This is not much younger than myself, but when you consider the fact they're still in school, it's a big difference. I don't go out looking for younger men. I come across one that has an "old soul" and when I find out his age, I'm like "Hell, why not?" The down side to dating younger men is that even though they may act mature, many times they're not. They often find themselves in too deep, then you hear, "I'm not ready." DATE WITH CAUTION! Just make sure you're in the right mind frame when you're dealing with one. Try something new. Might rock your world.

Some Feelings Just Never Go Away

I remember the day I met my first love. It was April 17, 2004 after a party in McDonald's parking lot. I was shy back then so, I'm not sure what came over me to call him over. We exchanged numbers and a few days he called. After that we hung out every weekend. He stayed 30 min away and I drove over every chance I got. He use to make me feel so special. He was a little mean, but was so much fun to be around. Sadly, the relationship ended when he started dating someone else. A few months later, we got back involved. I remember how awkward it was when I first saw him. But I was back in bliss. Me and my boyfriend. And again he left for someone else.
I dated a few guys after that trying to fill the void. He was constantly in the back of my mind. When I had the opportunity to date him again, I was wrapped up in some other guy. Our timing was always off. Often communicating through a social network. I made it where I could always contact him but chose to keep my distance. I decided not to try to pursue him after he had a child. He seemed happy and I always put his feelings first. I didn't want to ruin anything he had going on.

 In the summer of 09, I saw my first love for the first time in 4 years. He still made me like a school girl. We gazed into each other's eyes. I knew then that there was something between us still. I chose not to acknowledge it because he was now engaged. I was afraid of being rejected if I spilled my heart out. So, I just savored the moment we had and kept my mouth closed. I would still look at his FB page every now and then. I would read his status as a way of wanting to see how his life with someone else was and trying to convince myself I wasn't missing out. About 2 months after his wedding, he contacted me and told me he shouldn't have ever left. I didn't know what to think. I hoped he meant it, but why the hell was he married. I had heard through the grapevine he wasn't happy, but I felt it wasn't my place. I continued with my various relationships searching for "the one."
Recently, I was in his city. I let him know I was in town expecting to see him. He called me and said he wanted to see me and catch up. We met up and I tagged along while he ran some errands. What happened next is still shocking to me. During one of our stops, we made love. I say love because it was the most beautiful experience I've ever had. He expressed his love for me. He said he thought about me everyday and always regretted leaving me.

Now, I'd gotten myself in this mess. What my first love was saying sounded nice, but how am I to know he's not just trying to keep me around. From my experience as being "the other woman" I know it's highly unlikely for a guy to leave who he's with for a girl on the side. Especially a wife. I never wanted to be in that situation again, but I found myself in it. This time with a married man who I had loved since I was 16. And 7 yrs later, here we were in this room alone. He still tasted the same, smelled the same, and felt the same way. It was like someone pushed pause for 7 yrs and we had started back right where we had left off. Why I didn't feel guilty, I don't know.
So, what am I to do now? Do I continue to do as I've been doing and try my best to move on? I couldn't ask him to leave his wife. Now, I felt I'd opened a can of worms or Pandora's Box. To be continued.


Now, I won't sit around and act like I'm all innocent and always the victim. Let's be honest, I can be "not shit" at times. My friends always tell me I have a roster. We'll call it a baseball team. Hey, what can I say? I'm playing the field. I'm not going to act like there are not guys on my team that would make good boyfriends. It's just they haven't stepped up to the plate and given me a title yet. They talk a good game, but I know better. I can never find a guy close by. I guess this is why baseball is not a contact sport. But thus helps to my advantage. It prevents me from being clingy and it's easier to give each of them the same amount of play time. I do this to cover my back and prevent me from hitting hit with a foul ball. I always assume that these guts are talking to another coach, may want to retire, or may get injured and won't be able to play anymore. The good thing about baseball is that I keep my players in the dugout. Everyone doesn't need to see my bench. No, I'm not having sex with the majority of these guys. Again, baseball as very little contact. A lot of them only get to first base before they get out. Now, I'm rooting for my team, hoping one of them shows me he's the MVP. But only time can tell. As baseball game can last all day. Until then, I'll just keeping playing innings until I find the one to hit the homerun.

Love's Drug

I have a new addiction.
Addiction to his kisses; his soft lips; his attention.
His warm embrace takes me higher than any tree, pill, or powder.
His brown eyes seep into me like rain into the soil after a long awaited shower.
It feeds my addiction.
No detox, no intervention could stop me from using my new drug.
Just one hit makes me feel like my body shoots out rays of sunshine;
I'm glowing.
I have an adrenaline rush;
My blood is flowing.
Give me an IV, I wanna feel him constantly.

Confessions Of A Side Chick

It was never my intentions to get involved with other women's men. I mean I know how it feels to get cheated on, but it's a situation I've found myself in too many times. The first time I found myself in this predicament was with my first. We were never together. I really liked him and loved our conversation. I thought we would end up together. I was only 16, I didn't know any better. After losing my virginity to him, (something that was quite painful and unpleasant) I found out he was in a relationship. I was devastated. Not only had I had sex fir the first time with someone who did not feel the same way for me, but I had fucked someone else's man. Now, you all know how girls are with their firsts; yeah, I was no different. I was soon back doing the same thing. This time knowing he had a girlfriend. I would do anything he wanted. Hoping that this would help him gain feelings for me. Nope. He only used it to his advantage.
He left for the summer and I soon found my own man, my first love. But soon as that ended, I was right back into the clutches of my first, wrapped around his fingers. He hated the fact that I had been with someone else and me being naive thought that meant a relationship was coming. He just started dating another girl. I was still doing everything he wanted. When she found out, he said I was just a hoe. We'll just leave it at that.

The second time I got into this mess was in college. It was with a guy I had been in a relationship with but told me he wasn't happy. He started dating another girl the day we broke up. We tried to be friends afterward, which was a big mistake. The first 5 months of their relationship, I was there on the side. It didn't help that he was treating me like his main. Yeah, mistake on his part. It got messy. I was freaking him every chance I got. At work, at home, at his crib and I didn't care. In my mind, I stilled viewed him as my man that she stole from me. I didn't know my place. I eventually a Ted a fool and told her everything. I don't know why I thought it was going to change anything. They stayed together and I was left looking like a dumb hoe. Me and him would remain friends, I don't know how, up until he got married. I eventually stopped even though he continued to make passes. I just got a little smarter.
The third time I got into this situation, well, that's a whole other blog.

Giving Life

My birthmom carried me for 9 months without telling a soul. Now, the physical part of her pregnancy was easy. No morning sickness, didn't show, or none of the typical uncomfortable symptoms women have. The hard part consisted of being alone and carrying the burden of making a decision she would always regret. She could have told the world about her secret or simply aborted me, but she chose to use me as a blessing to someone else. She knew she couldn't provide and wanted to give me the best possible life I could have.
My labor was easy. I came right out, didn't cry, and wasn't all red and funny looking like most babies. The only time I made a whimper is when she signed the adoption papers. She named me Caress and spent a week with me. She went back to her dorm and no one ever knew the load she carried nor how much she hurt. No one knew that she had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. It was always arranged that we would meet, but she would have to wait 18 yrs til she could see her baby girl again. 18 yrs of not knowing the child she created. This is how I came into the world.