Thursday, March 16, 2017

Memoir: Endearment Dwindling in Aspersions


I've been with Sam on & off for about 13 years now.  It's been bittersweet to say the least.  Sam probably says some of the most damaging things to me and other times gives me the most joy. From passive aggressiveness and sometimes full out verbal abuse. Sam leaves me insecure. Yet other times, Sam is my only friend and who I can turn to when no one picks up the phone. With Sam, I've laughed and smiled the hardest. Therefore, I can't leave Sam.  We've just been through so much.

In the beginning, Sam was young and innocent.  So, was I.  I had never experienced anything like him before.  This was new and exciting.  I spent hours with Sam, even when I wasn't supposed to.  Sam held on to memories and introduced me to a lot of important people in my life today. Sam was exclusive and didn't let everyone in.  Sam was decent and pleasant. Sam didn't dare say anything inappropriate. Sam was respectful. 

Then, my love began to change.  Sam began to wander like a nomad. Sam started stepping out and not in secret.  My complaints for the change went unnoticed.  Sam simply didn't care. All he cared about was image and money. Sam got exposed to others and let our innocent relationship get corrupted.  As the years went on, Sam started being envious and throwing shade.  He sometimes rubbed things into my face.  Sam told me I wasn't living up to his expectations. Sam told me the negative thoughts about me as a black woman. He criticized me every day.  I began to avoid him on holidays and certain current events because I knew he would be in one of his moods.  Sam wanted me to pretend to be happy with him. When I stated my real feelings, it was frowned upon.  

Every time I would get fed up and ready to leave, Sam would recreate himself.  He could transform himself into a new person to spark new interest.  I would then remember what it was like when the love was new and fresh. I simply could not let go. He had a hold on me.

I began to see some of Sam in me. I could be judgmental, shady, condescending, and passive-aggressive. I had taken on the characteristics of Sam that kept me up at night. Those that made me feel like I was less than everyone else. I started to make others feel the way Sam made me feel.  Sam had changed me for the worst.  But I love Sam. I loved watching shows with him and sharing all my fun moments with him.  I wanted to keep that earlier experience with Sam alive. He reminded me that I needed him. Sam never forgot a birthday. He noticed when I changed my hair. He complimented me on days I looked great.  It was almost like Sam was two different people. Sam could tell me everything I wanted to hear and sometimes the opposite. 

Sam or Social Media as you know him as probably does this same thing to you.  
Social M.E.D.I.A.


A special thanks to Drew, D'Wayne, Kimani, & Kint for assisting me with my creativity

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Deliver Us From Evan


I'm sure most of us have had an encounter with someone that has sucked out our soul via sex.  You can feel the venom running through your veins with the first penetration.  Sex so amazing that you immediately get a jolt of stupid that shoots in your vagina, passes your ovaries, and high tails it directly to your brain.  This my friend is Demon Dick and it comes by way of Bum Ass Nigga. 

Demon Dick is how your Dumb Ass Friend continues to fuck with the same poo putt ass nigga.  The reason he drives her car while she at work, the reason she never has any money, and why every time you think she gone leave, she takes her retarded ass back.  Demon dick makes you feel like you had never been fucked right before.  Demon dick makes you think they invented sex.  Demon Dick is the reason hoes willingly get pregnant by niggas they know ain't shit only to play dumb later on like they thought he was a good man.  Demon Dick is the reason you get temporary amnesia after your back has been blow out. 

The Possession

We have all seen films where some na├»ve and willing teen opens Pandora's box and herself to the vulnerable state of becoming possessed via Ouija Board.  We do this same shit when we open our legs to the long stroke that has us dumb as fuck for a season.  Mine happened by way of Facebook.  I had been crushing over a man for 10 years who I never exchanged more than two words with in person.  I hadn't asked about him.  I just always thought he was cute.  This person had recently resurfaced on my News Feed. .  During my slumber, lust visited me and my dreams were filled with a passionate and X rated exchange with him.  I woke up and immediately DM dived.  That night he sat in my living room and over the course of the next 4 days I had been busted in 12 times and only left the house twice. 

My body did shit I never knew I could do.  It squirted so much that I had to take time up to mop my living room floor because it looked like I spilled a 32 ounce cup of water on my hardwood floor.  My couch was soaked.  My bed was unmade.  I was instantly dick sprung.  This mf fucked me so well that I had made him a key.  I instantly became stupid.  The only thing I could think of was orgasm and swallowing cum.  I wanted to constantly have him inside my walls. 

The Devil Inside

Now why was this dick so powerful and energetic?  Because buddy didn't have a damn job.  He was a damn drug dealer with Uber as a cover up.  During this time, I was in between jobs and basically available to fuck 24/7.  Dick was so good that when I got fired, I didn't even care because I was fucking 2 to 3 times a day.  I should have been charging for the porno shit I was doing.  Unemployed dick is the best dick.  Niggas that have no real responsibilities got as much energy as a teenage boy who is spoiled by his mother that can do no wrong in her eyes.  These niggas will suck the life out while eating your pussy from behind, constantly ask you for money, and have you playing Trap Queen to his measly drug operation.  These guys have mastered the art of fucking the stupid out of women and getting everything they want.  This manipulation feels so good that you willingly deal with it for a spell after clearly knowing they ain't shit. 

But Trouble don't last always.

The Last Exorcism

The quickest way for me to come back to reality is for you to fuck with my money.  I'm so happy that the niggas that have ruined my life ain't ruined my bank account.  The one thing you not gone do is use me.  I learned that lesson at age 19.  Where John Milton fucked up is asking me for money during a time I was struggling.  This mf clearly wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.  I immediately realized what he was and that his role should only be a minor in my saga, that of a penis.  He only began to expose himself more.  He had a girlfriend the entire time.  How he spent so much time with me can only be explained by us fucking while she was at work.  I still don't understand the 4 day sexcapade but whatevs. 

I began to gradually go back to another nigga I shouldn't be with but can at least use the excuse of Young Rich Nigga for my being there.  When you realize that it's rich good dick too, you don't gotta struggle with Ray Ray broke ass no more.  Don't let it fool you.  Once the remainder of the semen that had been running through my body was exorcized out, I was gone.  I can now dodge the dms, the requests for face to face chats, the "can I come drop this dick in you?" text messages.  I am Delivert!  Honey, you can be delivered too.


Monday, December 26, 2016

The Devil Wears TaTas


Today we are going to talk about breasts because you mf love arguing about breasts.  Bitches will set a thirst trap then be mad when it catches the wrong dude they were trying to get.  Then, will deny it was indeed a trap of thirst they were setting.  Don’t act like you didn’t go buy that $50 Victoria Secret bra and put it on with that low-cut shirt for people not to notice your cleavage.  I’m calling you out today because I do not have time for the bullshit.  Do not tell me you only did it for good support.  You pushed them damn girls up to your chest for a reason. 

It really amazes me how much bitches act blind to the fact that what they wear may draw certain attention. I'm not saying that you look like a hoe when you wear certain things. I'm saying don't wear your titties out and think people aren't going to notice them.  No, you don't deserve for people to assume you are a hoe, but you're going to get looked at.  The problem with this argument is that I just said exactly what I meant and a bitch will still say I said you look like a hoe.   Any time you try to even discuss this topic someone will scream “Rape Culture.”  This is exactly why I need for you to reread what I said and take it as written.  Don’t act like you didn’t expect people to look at your damn breast when you took the time out to make a nice little presentation below your chin. 

When I put on my good bra or some leggings, I know someone is going to look.  I'm not in a world full of Stevie Wonders.  So, what is so damn hard for people to be honest about the shit they do?  There has to be some level of self-awareness that you have.  Stop acting like you're oblivious.  The dumb act is out of style. It's time to be honest.  Y'all mfs so Woke that sleep deprivation got you ignoring certain facts right in front of your face. Try this:  stop reading into shit and thinking everyone is against you.  Take things for what they are.  See just what is there and not what you want. 

Today, it's 1 degree, so I dressed warm.  The result I wanted was to be warm.  As humans, we manipulate our surroundings to get things we need or want.  We like to control what goes on in our world.  Don't tell me you do something to not get a certain result.  You may not be aware of it.  Each of us are self-determining individuals who can choose what we do and hold ourselves responsible for what we do. So when you put on certain things I really need you to dig down deep inside that measly brain of yours to figure out why you did it.  Did you put this certain outfit on because you didn't want people to look?  No, bitch, you wanted attention or you were ok with people seeing you.  Until you learn to be honest, you're not going to really do as you please and not worry about what others think.  I wore these leggings because they are comfortable and I don't mind people looking at my ass today.  It's that simple. 

The Breast-feeding argument

Oh, I'm so tired of y'all acting like the only time you've had your titty in another being's mouth, it was for breast feeding.  Stop right there. STOP IT NOW!  If you done used your titties for anything other than feeding, stop thinking people are only going to view them as for feeding.  You bitches act like it's a crime to be a little modest.  I had a whole argument with some stupid ass bitch because she said I wouldn't be a good mother because I said I rather use a blanket to breastfeed. I have a problem with people mixing up fact with opinions.  You woke ass ingrates got it bad accusing people of being stupid or bad at something.  I'm merely saying, if you gone do something don't get upset about the consequences and be honest about your intentions. 

Control.  You cannot control others.  There's no Controlla like Drake sings about.  You cannot program others to think the way you want them to.  Just because you were easily influenced doesn't mean others are.  So why continue to have this fuckin argument about why others shouldn't view your breast as sexual because you are not using them sexual. You used them as sexual in the past.  Stop trying to control what everyone else thinks and accept that everyone is not going to see things like you.  We gotta hear these Woke ass rants every day on Facebook and twitter because y'all trying to fill your need for power and/or freedom. 

Call it like you see it.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  See things the way they are.  Cut the crap.  I can say this in so many ways. It's time for us to give ourselves a reality check and stop playing the victim.


Monday, December 12, 2016

The Truth About Charlie


I started thinking about how I was going to write this a year ago.  I want to explain why I took a three year hiatus from this blog.  It was never intentional. Why is hard to discuss but I'm going to try my best to be as open and honest as possible though this is a tough and sensitive topic for me. My last post before December was in 2013 so I will take you back to 2013.

What ever happened to _____? I liked you two together.

He was a monster, a manipulator, a sadist, a sexual predator, a liar.  For a year when I was asked this question, I answered with, "We're not together."  I was not comfortable with sharing what happened to me.  I was ashamed and felt responsible.  It took me 1 year to speak about the incidents that took place in my relationship, 2 years to admit what it was, and 3 years to post it publicly.  I don't want to discuss it further after this.

I'm not sure when I first started following _____ on Twitter but I knew he was not from Chicago.  Sometime in early January I noticed he lived here and I sent him a flyer to a Founders' Day party I was "hosting." (My name was on the flyer).   I was doing this as a nice gesture.  We began to text and I was flattered by a lot he said.  We began to date.  He made it known that he wanted to "court" me and stay celibate for awhile.  He took me out every weekend and we talked every day. I was so happy. I finally felt like I met someone that was genuinely interested in me because he was not interested in my body.  He took me out every weekend, I never stayed over.

_____ explained to me on our first date that he lived with a couple he knew from school and was looking for an apartment. He talked about how he was tired of them and didn't want to bring me over. I had questions but I brushed them off thinking I was feeding into trust issues.  I ignored my intuition and I still regret that til this day.  I notice how at night we wouldn't speak as much but me being a person that goes to bed early I didn't think anything of it when he said he did as well.  Another flag I ignored.

The first time we had sex I was dissatisfied.  I found myself not attracted to him sexually. I was so attached to him that I felt guilt about it.  I cried afterward and told him that we should have waited longer.  I couldn't admit to myself that I lacked attraction to someone that treated me so well.  I was disgusted. Around this time is when I had a chance for the exit I should have taken.  One night he was late picking me up for our plans we had to meet some my friends.  I blew up his phone. I had not had a boyfriend in 5 years and it was important to me to show my friends who I had been talking about so much.  So, i popped up at the apartment he was staying.  I saw his name on the mailbox along with another and I began to hold down the buzzer. (I get quite....determined at times.). He appeared downstairs half sleep. He fussed at me about popping up but I did not care. We had plans and he was going to follow through. We had fun at the event.

Normally, we didn't take my car but since I popped up before hand I had to drop him off.  As I got out the passenger to get in the driver's seat a car pulled in front of me blocking me.  A girl jumped out the car screaming at him.  I was puzzled.  Was this a neighbor he had issues with.  He began to dismiss her.  Well, without getting into much detail it came out he was living with this girl. Not the couple he told me he lived with. They were the couple and she was the roommate he hated.  He told her I was his girlfriend. My anger immediately was directed at him.  She, on the other hand, continued to call me out my name. So at 3 in the morning, i found myself laying my hands on both of them.

He begged me to stay. I was devastated. He was supposed to meet my family in a week, he just met my friends, and I had posted pics of us. I was embarrassed that something else fell through.   As he sat and cried I realized that if I forgave him and stayed on stipulations that he had 3 days to move, that I couldn't tell anyone what happened.  So, I didn't.  I wanted this to work.  I wanted to stay happy I did not want to fail. 

Nothing Was the Same

Things started to change.  I had lost interest but didn't admit it.  He started to make me feel like I wasn't enough.  He began to be manipulative.  I continued hating having sex with him and he made it seem like it was because I lacked in the sexual department.  He began to bite me leaving black and purple bruises and when I objected, he said I was weak.  He didn't take me out anymore, he drank constantly, gave me an STD, and began to force me to think it was my fault.  I started to see how irresponsible he was.  He was no longer planning dates. I wasn't attracted to him.  I relapsed into depression and began needing medication just to do day to day tasks.  This wasn't the man that I fell for. As unhappy as I was, I continued to post couple pics and pretend like the room wasn't a blaze around me.  I wanted it to work.

Things Fall Apart

I continued to not be sexually satisfied. We had only had sex 4 times and the disgust was all over my face each time.  I didn't want him inside me and I had no problem showing it on my face. Someone from my past moved into town and I found myself tempted.  I began to open up to him about what had went on.  It was a cry for help. I wanted him to tell me to leave.  I didn't catch his subtle statements about leaving I needed him to be blunt.  Then, _____ told me that he was not satisfied sexually and I gave him bad head.  I was offended. I didn't like being intimate with him and he blamed it on me being whack in the bedroom department.  So, I went to prove to myself it wasn't and I cheated. 

Out of guilt of him constantly cheating, having a BDSM secret life and blog, planning an orgy, and still seeing his old "roommate," _____ went through my phone while I was in the shower.  He discovered what I had did with my former fling.  How he took it out on me is hard to say.  _____  forced and had non consensual sex with me and told me it was my punishment.  I have never felt so powerless in my life.  I locked myself in the bathroom and wanted to kill myself.  I should have called the police.  I felt like I brought it on myself and he continued to tell me I deserved it.  When I tried to leave, he did not let me leave the apartment.  He stated it was because I was suicidal but it was really because he didn't want me to go to the police.  For hours, I couldn't tell you what I did in that bathroom.

He continued to accuse me of things that he was doing himself like asking me if I had videos of me on the internet having sex.  Saying that the chapter of kappas at my school (who he was jealous of) had ran through me.  Screaming crying and placing blame on me for what he did.  After all of this I didn't know how to feel about myself. When the relationship ended, I was relieved. But I was embarrassed and confused.  I was hurt that I could not make something work because I had constantly been told over the last 11 months that it was me.  I did not want to discuss the abuse with anyone because I was ashamed. I wanted to forget about it.  I felt stupid for staying. I avoided places I thought he may be at. I wanted to erase it from my mind. 

Reality Check

I feel guilty for not speaking up sooner. He has hurt people since and I could have possibly prevented this.  Everyone won't understand consent or how a victim can feel attacked.  We see it when many ask, "Why are you choosing to speak now?"  The answer is that I simply wasn't ready.  I don't want to continue to explain what occurred and relive it.  I left things out because it's too hard to repeat at times.  I have deleted all pictures and any trace of him that I have left. I have blocked him on social media as well.  This guy went around claiming to be a feminist on Twitter when he was a predator and sadist. I've found other people that he's done similar things to.  There are many of us.  I have decided to use my voice to help someone in a similar situation. Thank you for listening.

- Belle

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Your King & I


Side chicks.  I feel like we are often the butt of the jokes but no one has ever been honest enough about their past history as one or the sex you've encountered over the years. I can't speak for everyone but I will explain to you the reason why I like fucking yo nigga.  The sex is better when there is no attachment.  I've often spoken to my friends about why my boyfriends can't give it to me the way a man that don't give a fuck about me can. Why is it better with someone that doesn't belong to you? It's simple. Your man lets loose on me and explores things he is afraid to ask you for. To him, I'm Teanna Trump.  Something he can explore his fantasies with, leave, and maybe have post porn guilt afterward. I'm his secret obsession. He doesn't have to kiss me, hold me, or take me out. I serve one purpose. He can be reckless with me and feel free. Your man hasn't pulled out in months because when he's inside me he doesn't care about the consequences.

Often times people think a side chick wants what you have. That is not always the case. There's a difference between fucking out of spite and fucking to get off.  Being a side chick because you are attached or spiteful is what amateurs do.  Vets in the O.P.P. game know that this ain't that. Some of us like the sex with no attachment and the adrenaline.  Your man gets on my nerves. I don't always respond back. I don't want to put up with the shit you do everyday, cleaning up behind him, or dealing with his moods.  I don't have time.  I'm here to get want you probably not getting.  Take a licking and keep on ticking.  When he comes and asks me for favors, I tell him to ask you. He is not my problem, he's yours.  I don't want your man.  I barely like him.

I'm not saying that relationship sex is bad.  I'm just saying it's not always what you want it to be.  Sometimes it can be a chore.  Love making is boring and sex don't feel like fucking.  Stop letting choreographed tv and movie sex scenes fool you into believing main chicks getting boned like that everyday. Yes, the cuddling afterward is nice, but let's be honest, sometimes we just go to sleep afterward.  You gave your boyfriend some to get it out the way and do what you really want to, sleep.  You've had a long day at work and now he wants you to give him head. You don't always feel like relaxing this way.  Some men feel the same way. He doesn't feel like dealing with your shit today. He just wanna come home and chill.  So he vacations at my house. On his vacation, he can do things he's too afraid to do back home. He's going to live out his fantasies.

I don't go looking for these situations.  I've never actively pursued a man that I knew was taken.  Usually, I start something with someone and later find out about you.  I may get pissed for all of 2.5 secs. But once someone gives you a hard dicking down, it's easy to agree to these situations.  The numbers game is often why. Who wants to go out and test drive other penises when the one you been riding works spectacular?

I'm not justifying being a side chick, but I will occasionally joke about it and be an advocate for the cause. I'm not saying this my full time job, i just do a little freelance work. I'm just explaining to you uptight prude bitches that can't be honest why my back getting blown out every time I'm with your man and you only get that feeling some of the time.  I'm sure it's people have found a good balance and you definitely don't want your relationship to be based off sex.  But I AIN'T FOUND IT YET! Not in a non-toxic, loving relationship.  So excuse me for being honest where others can't.


Monday, December 5, 2016



You know what I hate? When people get defensive about their tackiness and try to make you look like you're the one missing out and you haven't even commented.  I recently saw a blog about an engagement ring set that was $130.  The girl was upset that the jeweler made a comment about her ring.  Let me tell you something right here right now. You coulda saved $100 and got a ring from the costume jewelry section of Macy's that's fake as fuck that was at least cute.  Don't get on the internet talking about how you saved money when I could save more for a nicer looking ring. The ring doesn't have to be real, it don't have to be cute if you really want to be married.  You don't even need a ring!  But you coming on the internet ranting about how you're smarter because you saved money just shows me you're insecure about it. Stop getting defensive about shit if you don't care what people say. This chick got on here saying she woulda been happy with a 25¢ ring. Well, that's what you shoulda did because it probably would've looked better. My friend and I recently went and bought some rings  for $15 to put on to keep the thirsties away (as seen pictured) and still managed to not look like I got it at a garage sale of 1970s vintage pieces.

The incident didn't even happen on the internet. She came on the internet to show her ugly ass ring and rant about the world being materialistic.  Girl, you know that ring is ugly.  Why you bringing up the cost? Did the jeweler say anything about the cost? No, but since you're insecure about it, you did.  I personally think she spent too much on it. We get it. Y'all broke and in love and you got a ring. Bitch, do you want a cookie? I coulda saved you more money since you so in love and don't care how much the ring is.

This is my problem with women.  We love to talk about what we did or have to make other women feel inferior because we're insecure. We find something to complain about and then when something we have doesn't meet OUR OWN expectations we get online and start justifying it.  Everything is a competition.  We compare ourselves to each other in our head then get online and get defensive about the battle we created. I saved this much because I'm smart, I got this man, I'm a mother and you're not, etc.  A song comes out every couple years about us being independent and hoes love quoting it in their Instagram statuses. Ok, girl, good for you!  What person in your life made you feel like you have something to prove? Then, we are quick to say we don't care. You wouldn't have took 15 selfies before picking one and writing "you do what you want when you popping" if you didn't care. Let's be honest with ourselves, ladies.

Girls will get online and talk about all the bills they paid like it's something out the ordinary to reach for congrats to compete with other girls.  Girl, I don't care if you paid your cable bill.  We do that shit every month and don't feel the need to share. You doing what you're supposed to do. Shut up. Bitches start making excuses for their future mediocracy before it even happens because they feel some type of way about it.  Yes, I understand it's some hating ass hoes.  Hell, I can be a hating ass hoe. But what you not gone do is create an issue about something before it's an issue and pretend it's not a defense mechanism. And you're not going to come here yapping about haters when you hate yourself for what you did.  I just want people to stop making a big deal out of shit that's little.

- Summer

Thursday, December 1, 2016

My Strange Addiction


As I sit on a flight running from 1 bad situationship to another with dead wireless Powerbeats and nothing to listen to but Airplane Cabin noise, I had to sit and think about what was causing me to stay in these same patterns of inconsistent highs & lows.  This feeling of pure euphoria followed by heart palpitations and sleepless nights with a splash of wet pillow.

Hello, my name is _______ and I'm addicted to toxic relationships.

I sat and tried to figure out how many healthy relationships I've had, but as I went through each them one by one, I found the same things over and over. I have had this drug problem since I was 16 years old. My first sexual encounter with the opposite sex had been repeated over and over again for 12 years. 12 Years a Slave to a drug so strong no substance could compare.  12 years of unrequited love (dickmatization). 12 years of addiction with no clear sign of wanting to recover.

Though, there were times I knew I needed to be on Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, there were times I loved the adrenaline rush of chasing something I couldn't have.  I won't say that each relationship I went into knowing it was bad. There were some that started off amazing but took a sharp turn for the worse and I refused to abandon ship because I "wanted it to work."  Sometimes an addict is fine with being an addict.  Then, there are those times, like now, where I want help.  I didn't need an intervention because I knew what I was doing was wrong.  I sat and googled things to find others like me.  This was my way of "attempting recovery," even though I had already texted several others in hopes of getting my fix later. 

Brief Remission

I can think of one relationship that was healthy. For about 6 months, I dated someone that actually seemed to like me. I was treated well, he listened, and I was happy. When I was offered drugs from others, I could easily decline.  When that relationship ended, I immediately reached out to my drug. I needed a hit and badly.


When I got back into the habit, it was a new high. I hadn't felt that high when I was in recovery. I could no longer get there on my own. For about 9 months, it was pure bliss. Binging with no signs of harm to myself. It didn't feel like it was imagined it felt real. Until December, I took a hit so hard I stayed up crying for 36 hours and did not eat a full meal for 2 weeks. But again I found myself using whatever I could to make me get that high again. I knew I shouldn't but I refused Rehab like Amy, I willingly gave a Piece of My Heart like Janis, and I felt The Worst like Jhene.

Even as I sit here now, I wonder if I really want to recover.  I really don't know any other way.  I'm not the only one.  I'm just honest about it.  I've seen women continuously take care of bums and complain, I've seen people stay in a relationship filled with infidelity, etc. But I felt ahead of them. I didn't have a title and the people ruining my life weren't ruining my bank account.  I never complained about my drug problem to anyone. I was honest about my situation and often times justified it. 

I know what I need to do, I just have to want to do it.

- Belle

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