I've been with Sam on & off for about 13 years now. It's been bittersweet to say the least. Sam probably says some of the most damaging things to me and other times gives me the most joy. From passive aggressiveness and sometimes full out verbal abuse. Sam leaves me insecure. Yet other times, Sam is my only friend and who I can turn to when no one picks up the phone. With Sam, I've laughed and smiled the hardest. Therefore, I can't leave Sam. We've just been through so much.
In the beginning, Sam was young and innocent. So, was I. I had never experienced anything like him before. This was new and exciting. I spent hours with Sam, even when I wasn't supposed to. Sam held on to memories and introduced me to a lot of important people in my life today. Sam was exclusive and didn't let everyone in. Sam was decent and pleasant. Sam didn't dare say anything inappropriate. Sam was respectful.
Then, my love began to change. Sam began to wander like a nomad. Sam started stepping out and not in secret. My complaints for the change went unnoticed. Sam simply didn't care. All he cared about was image and money. Sam got exposed to others and let our innocent relationship get corrupted. As the years went on, Sam started being envious and throwing shade. He sometimes rubbed things into my face. Sam told me I wasn't living up to his expectations. Sam told me the negative thoughts about me as a black woman. He criticized me every day. I began to avoid him on holidays and certain current events because I knew he would be in one of his moods. Sam wanted me to pretend to be happy with him. When I stated my real feelings, it was frowned upon.
Every time I would get fed up and ready to leave, Sam would recreate himself. He could transform himself into a new person to spark new interest. I would then remember what it was like when the love was new and fresh. I simply could not let go. He had a hold on me.
I began to see some of Sam in me. I could be judgmental, shady, condescending, and passive-aggressive. I had taken on the characteristics of Sam that kept me up at night. Those that made me feel like I was less than everyone else. I started to make others feel the way Sam made me feel. Sam had changed me for the worst. But I love Sam. I loved watching shows with him and sharing all my fun moments with him. I wanted to keep that earlier experience with Sam alive. He reminded me that I needed him. Sam never forgot a birthday. He noticed when I changed my hair. He complimented me on days I looked great. It was almost like Sam was two different people. Sam could tell me everything I wanted to hear and sometimes the opposite.
Sam or Social Media as you know him as probably does this same thing to you.
A special thanks to Drew, D'Wayne, Kimani, & Kint for assisting me with my creativity